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=Revolting Rhymes=
 
=Revolting Rhymes=
  
 +
==Jack and the Beanstalk==
 +
 +
<p>Jack's mother said, <blockquote>We're <i>stony broke</i><br>
 +
Go out and find some wealthy bloke<br>
 +
Who'll buy our cow.  Just say she's sound<br>
 +
And worth at least a hundred pound.<br>
 +
But don't you dare to let him know<br>
 +
That she's as old as billy-o.</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>Jack led the old brown cow away,<br>
 +
And came back later in the day,<br>
 +
And said, <blockquote>Oh mumsie dear, guess what<br>
 +
Your clever little boy has got.<br>
 +
I got, I really don't know how,<br>
 +
A super trade-in for our cow.</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>The mother said, <blockquote>You little creep,<br>
 +
I'll bet you sold her much too cheap.</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>When Jack produced one lousy bean,<br>
 +
His startled mother, turning green,<br>
 +
Leaped high up in the air and cried,<br>
 +
<blockquote>I'm <i>absolutely stupefied!</i><br>
 +
You crazy boy!  D'you really mean<br>
 +
You sold our Daisy for a bean?</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>She snatched the bean.  She yelled, 'You chump!'<br>
 +
And flung it on the rubbish-dump.<br>
 +
Then summoning up all her power,<br>
 +
She beat the boy for half an hour,<br>
 +
Using (and nothing could be meaner)<br>
 +
The handle of a vaccuum-cleaner.</p>
 +
 +
<p>At ten p.m. or thereabout,<br>
 +
The little bean began to sprout.<br>
 +
By morning it had grown so tall<br>
 +
You couldn't see the top at all.</p>
 +
 +
<p>Young Jack cried, <blockquote>Mum, admit it now!<br>
 +
It's better than a rotten cow!</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>The mother said, <blockquote>You lunatic!<br>
 +
Where are the beans that I can pick?<br>
 +
There's not <i>one bean!</i> It's bare as bare!</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p><blockquote>&mdash; No no!</blockquote> cried Jack. <blockquote>You look up there!<br>
 +
Look very high and you'll behold<br>
 +
Each single leaf is solid gold!</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>By gollikins, the boy was right!<br>
 +
Now, glistening in the morning light,<br>
 +
The mother actually perceives<br>
 +
A mass of lovely golden leaves!</p>
 +
 +
<p>She yells out loud, <blockquote>My sainted souls!<br>
 +
I'll sell the Mini, buy a Rolls!<br>
 +
Don't stand and gape, you little clot!<br>
 +
Get up there and grab the lot!</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>Jack was nimble, Jack was keen<br>
 +
He scrambled up the mighty bean.<br>
 +
Up up he went without a stop,<br>
 +
But just as he was near the top,<br>
 +
A ghastly frightening thing occurred &ndash;</p>
 +
 +
<p>Not far above his head he heard<br>
 +
A big deep voice, a rumbling thing<br>
 +
That made the very heavens ring.<br>
 +
It shouted loud, <blockquote><strong>Fee fi fo fum<br>
 +
'I smell the blood of an Englishman!</strong></blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>Jack was frightened, Jack was quick,<br>
 +
And down he climbed in half a tick.<br>
 +
<blockquote>Oh mum!</blockquote> he gasped, <blockquote>Believe you me<br>
 +
There's something nasty up our tree!<br>
 +
I saw him, mum! My gizzard froze!<br>
 +
A Giant with a clever nose!</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p><blockquote>&mdash; <i>A clever nose!</i></blockquote> his mother hissed.
 +
<blockquote>You must be going round the twist!</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<blockquote>&mdash; He smelled me out, I swear it, mum!<br>
 +
He said he smelled an Englishman</blockquote>
 +
 +
<p>The mother said, <blockquote>And well he might!<br>
 +
I've told you every single night<br>
 +
To take a bath because you smell,<br>
 +
But would you do it?  Would you hell!<br>
 +
You even make your mother shrink<br>
 +
Because of your unholy stink!</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>Jack answered, <blockquote>Well, if you're so clean<br>
 +
Why don't <i>you</i> climb the crazy bean.</blockquote>
 +
The mother cried, <blockquote>By gad, I will!<br>
 +
There's life within the old dog still!</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>She hitched her skirts above her knee<br>
 +
And disappeared right up the tree.<br>
 +
Now would the Giant smell his mum?<br>
 +
Jack listened for the <i>fee-fo-fum</i>.<br></p>
 +
 +
<p>He gazed aloft.  He wondered when<br>
 +
The dreaded words would come...  And then...<br>
 +
From somewhere high above the ground<br>
 +
There came a frightful crunching sound.<br>
 +
He heard the Giant mutter twice,
 +
<blockquote>By gosh, that tasted very nice.
 +
Although</blockquote> (and this in grumpy tones)
 +
<blockquote>I wish there weren't so many bones.</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p><blockquote>By Christopher!</blockquote> Jack cried. <blockquote>By gum!<br>
 +
The Giant's eaten up my mum!<br>
 +
He smelled her out! She's in his belly!<br>
 +
I had a hunch that she was smelly!</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>Jack stood there gazing longingly<br>
 +
Upon the huge and golden tree.<br>
 +
He murmured softly, <blockquote>Golly-Gosh,<br>
 +
I guess I'll <i>have</i> to take a wash<br>
 +
If I am going to climb this tree<br>
 +
Without the Giant smelling me.<br>
 +
In fact, a bath's my only hope ... </blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>He rushed indoors and grabbed the soap.<br>
 +
He scrubbed his body everywhere.<br>
 +
He even washed and rinsed his hair.<br>
 +
He did his teeth, he blew his nose<br>
 +
And went out smelling like a rose.</p>
 +
 +
<p>Once more he climbed the mighty bean.<br>
 +
The Giant sat there, gross, obscene,<br>
 +
Muttering through his vicious teeth<br>
 +
(While Jack sat tensely just beneath),<br>
 +
Muttering loud<blockquote><strong>Fee fi fo fum,<br>
 +
Right now I can't smell anyone.</strong></blockquote></p>
 +
 +
<p>Jack waited till the Gian slept,<br>
 +
Then out along the boughs he crept<br>
 +
And gathered so much gold, I swear<br>
 +
He was an instant millionaire.<br>
 +
<blockquote>A bath</blockquote> he said, <blockquote>does seem to pay.<br>
 +
I'm going to have one every day.</blockquote></p>
 +
 +
==Cinderella==
 +
 +
<p>I guess you think you know this story.<br>
 +
You don't.  The real one's much more gory.<br>
 +
The phoney one, the one you know,<br>
 +
Was cooked up years and years ago,<br>
 +
And made to sound all soft and sappy<br>
 +
Just to keep the children happy.</p>
 +
 +
<p>Mind you, they got the first bit right,<br>
 +
The bit where, in the dead of night,<br>
 +
The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,<br>
 +
Departed for the Palace Ball,</p>
 +
 +
<p>While darling little Cinderella<br>
 +
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,<br>
 +
Where rats who wanted things to eat,<br>
 +
Began to nibble at her feet.</p>
 +
 +
<p>She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!'<br>
 +
The Magic Fairy heard her shout.<br>
 +
Appearing in a blaze of light,<br>
 +
She said, 'My dear, are you all right?'</p>
 +
 +
<p>'<i>All right ?</i>' cried Cindy. 'Can't you see<br>
 +
'I feel as rotten as can be!'<br>
 +
She beat her fist against the wall,<br>
 +
And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!<br>
 +
There is a Disco at the Palace!<br>
 +
'The rest have gone and I am <abbr title="jealous">jalous</abbr>!<br>
 +
'I want a dress! I want a coach!<br>
 +
'And earrings and a diamond brooch!<br>
 +
'And silver slippers, tow of those!<br>
 +
And lovely nylon panty-hose!<br>
 +
'Done up like that I'll guarantee<br>
 +
'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'</p>
 +
 +
<p>The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'<br>
 +
She gave her wand a mighty flick<br>
 +
And quickly, in no time at all,<br>
 +
Cindy was at the Palace Ball</p>
 +
 +
<p>It made the Ugly Sisters wince<br>
 +
To see her dancing with the Prince.<br>
 +
She held him very tight and pressed<br>
 +
Herself against his manly chest.</p>
 +
 +
<p>The Prince himself was turned to pulp,<br>
 +
All <i>he</i> could do was gasp and gulp.</p>
 +
 +
<p>Then midnight struck.  She shouted, 'Heck!'<br>
 +
'I've got to run to save my neck!'</p>
 +
 +
<p>The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'<br>
 +
He grabbed her dress to hold her back.<br>
 +
As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'<br>
 +
The dress was ripped from head to toe.</p>
 +
 +
<p>She ran out in her underwear,<br>
 +
And lost one slipper on the stair.<br>
 +
The Prince was on it like a dart,<br>
 +
He pressed it to his pounding heart,</p>
 +
 +
<p>'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,<br>
 +
'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!<br>
 +
'I'll visit every house in town<br>
 +
'Until I've tracked the maiden down.'</p>
 +
 +
<p>Then rather carelessly, I fear,<br>
 +
He placed it on a crate of beer.<br>
 +
At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,<br>
 +
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)<br>
 +
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,<br>
 +
And quickly flushed it down the loo.</p>
 +
 +
<p>Then in its place she calmly put<br>
 +
The slipper from her own left foot.<br>
 +
Ah-ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,<br>
 +
And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.</p>
 +
 +
<p>Next day, the Prince went charging down<br>
 +
To knock on all the doors in town.<br>
 +
In every house, the tension grew.<br>
 +
Who was the owner of the shoe?</p>
 +
 +
<p>The shoe was long and very wide.<br>
 +
(A normal foot got lost inside.)<br>
 +
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.<br>
 +
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)</p>
 +
 +
<p>Thousands of eager people came<br>
 +
To try it on, but all in vain.<br>
 +
Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.<br>
 +
One tried it on.  The Prince screamed, 'No!'<br>
 +
But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!'<br>
 +
'So now you've got to marry me!'</p>
 +
 +
<p>The Prince went white from ear to ear<br>
 +
He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'<br>
 +
'Oh no you don't! You made a vow !<br>
 +
'There's no way you can back out now !'</p>
 +
 +
<p>'Off with her head! the Prince roared back.<br>
 +
They chopped it off with one big whack.<br>
 +
This pleased the Prince.  He smiled and said,<br>
 +
'She's prettier without her head.'</p>
 +
 +
<p>Then up came Sister Number Two,<br>
 +
Who yelled, 'Now <i>I</i> will try the shoe!'<br>
 +
'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.<br>
 +
He swung his trusty sword and <i>smack</i> &mdash;<br>
 +
Her head went crashing to the ground.<br>
 +
It bounced a bit and rolled around.</p>
 +
 +
<p>Cinderella heard the thuds<br>
 +
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,<br>
 +
And poked her own head round the door.</p>
 +
 +
<p>'What's all the racket?' Cindy cried.<br>
 +
'Mind your own <abbr title="business, bidness">bizz</abbr>,' the Prince replied.<br>
 +
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.<br>
 +
My Prince ! She thought. He chops off <i>heads!</i></p>
 +
 +
<p>How could I marry anyone<br>
 +
Who does that sort of thing for fun?<br>
 +
The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?<br>
 +
'Off with her nut!  Off with her nut!'</p>
 +
 +
<p>Just then, all in a blaze of light,<br>
 +
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,<br>
 +
Her Magic Wand went <i>swoosh</i> and <i>swish!</i><br>
 +
'Cindy!' she cried, 'come make a wish!'<br>
 +
'Wish anything and have no doubt<br>
 +
'That I will make it <abbr title="happen">come about</abbr>!</p>
 +
 +
<p>Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,<br>
 +
'This time I shall be more wary.<br>
 +
'No more Princes, no more money.<br>
 +
'I have had my taste of honey.<br>
 +
'I'm wishing for a decent man.<br>
 +
'They're hard to find.  D'you think you can?'</p>
 +
 +
<p>Within a minute, Cinderella<br>
 +
Was married to a lovely feller,<br>
 +
A simple jam-maker by trade,<br>
 +
Who sold good home-made marmalade.<br>
 +
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter<br>
 +
And they were happy ever after.</p>
  
 
==Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs==
 
==Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs==
  
−
When little Snow-White's mother died, <br>
+
<p>When little Snow-White's mother died, <br>
 
The king, her father, up and cried, <br>
 
The king, her father, up and cried, <br>
 
'Oh, what a nuisance! What a life! <br>
 
'Oh, what a nuisance! What a life! <br>
 
'Now I must find another wife!' <br>
 
'Now I must find another wife!' <br>
 
(It's never easy for a king <br>
 
(It's never easy for a king <br>
−
To find himself that sort of thing!) <br>
+
To find himself that sort of thing!) </p>
  
  
  
−
He wrote to every magazine <br>
+
<p>He wrote to every magazine <br>
 
And said, "I'm looking for a Queen.' <br>
 
And said, "I'm looking for a Queen.' <br>
 
At least ten thousand girls replied <br>
 
At least ten thousand girls replied <br>
 
And begged to be the royal bride <br>
 
And begged to be the royal bride <br>
 
The king said with a shifty smile, <br>
 
The king said with a shifty smile, <br>
−
'I'd like to give each one a trial.' <br>
+
'I'd like to give each one a trial.' </p>
  
  
−
However, in the end he chose <br>
+
<p>However, in the end he chose <br>
 
A lady called Miss Maclahose, <br>
 
A lady called Miss Maclahose, <br>
 
Who brought along a curious toy <br>
 
Who brought along a curious toy <br>
 
That seemed to give her endless joy -- <br>
 
That seemed to give her endless joy -- <br>
−
A MAGIC TALKING LOOKING-GLASS. <br>
+
A MAGIC TALKING LOOKING-GLASS. </p>
  
  
−
Ask it something day or night, <br>
+
<p>Ask it something day or night, <br>
 
It always got the answer right. <br>
 
It always got the answer right. <br>
 
For instance, if you were to say, <br>
 
For instance, if you were to say, <br>
 
'Oh, Mirror, what's for lunch today?' <br>
 
'Oh, Mirror, what's for lunch today?' <br>
 
The thing would answer in a trice, <br>
 
The thing would answer in a trice, <br>
−
'Today it's scrambled eggs and rice.' <br>
+
'Today it's scrambled eggs and rice.' </p>
  
  
−
Now every day, week in week out, <br>
+
<p>Now every day, week in week out, <br>
 
The spoiled and stupid Queen would shout, <br>
 
The spoiled and stupid Queen would shout, <br>
 
'Oh Mirror Mirror on the wall, <br>
 
'Oh Mirror Mirror on the wall, <br>
−
Who is the fairest of them all?' <br>
+
Who is the fairest of them all?' </p>
−
The mirror answered every time, <br>
+
 
 +
<p>The mirror answered every time, <br>
 
'Oh Madame, you're the Queen sublime. <br>
 
'Oh Madame, you're the Queen sublime. <br>
 
'You are the only one to charm us. <br>
 
'You are the only one to charm us. <br>
−
'Queen, you are the cat's pyjamas.' <br>
+
'Queen, you are the cat's pyjamas.' </p>
−
For ten whole years the silly Queen <br>
+
 
 +
 
 +
<p>For ten whole years the silly Queen <br>
 
repeated this absurd routine. <br>
 
repeated this absurd routine. <br>
−
 
 
Then suddenly, one awful day, <br>
 
Then suddenly, one awful day, <br>
 
She heard the Magic Mirror say, <br>
 
She heard the Magic Mirror say, <br>
 
'From now on, Queen, you're <i>Number Two</i>. <br>
 
'From now on, Queen, you're <i>Number Two</i>. <br>
−
'<i>Snow-White</i> is prettier than you!' <br>
+
'<i>Snow-White</i> is prettier than you!' </p>
−
The Queen went absolutely wild. <br>
+
 
 +
<p>The Queen went absolutely wild. <br>
 
She yelled 'I'm going to scrag that child!' <br>
 
She yelled 'I'm going to scrag that child!' <br>
 
'I'll cook her flaming goose! I'll skin 'er!  <br>
 
'I'll cook her flaming goose! I'll skin 'er!  <br>
−
'I'll have her rotten guts for dinner!' <br>
+
'I'll have her rotten guts for dinner!' </p>
−
She called the Huntsman to her study. <br>
+
 
 +
<p>She called the Huntsman to her study. <br>
 
She shouted at him, "Listen, buddy!" <br>
 
She shouted at him, "Listen, buddy!" <br>
 
'You drag that filthy girl outside, <br>
 
'You drag that filthy girl outside, <br>
 
'and see you take her for a ride! <br>
 
'and see you take her for a ride! <br>
 
'Thereafter slit her ribs apart <br>
 
'Thereafter slit her ribs apart <br>
−
'And bring me back her bleeding heart!" <br>
+
'And bring me back her bleeding heart!" </p>
−
The Huntsman dragged the lovely child <br>
+
 
 +
<p>The Huntsman dragged the lovely child <br>
 
Deep deep into the forest wild. <br>
 
Deep deep into the forest wild. <br>
 +
Fearing the worst, poor Snow-White spake. <br>
 +
She cried, 'Oh please give me a break!' <br>
 +
The knife was poised, the arm was strong, </p>
  
 +
<p>She cried again, 'I've done no <i>wrong</i>!' </p>
  
 +
<p>The Huntsman's heart began to flutter. <br>
 +
It melted like a pound of butter. <br>
 +
He murmured, 'Okay, beat it, kid,' </p>
  
−
Fearing the worst, poor Snow-White spake. <br>
+
<p>And you can bet your life she did. </p>
−
She cried, 'Oh please give me a break!' <br>
 
−
The knife was poised, the arm was strong, <br>
 
−
She cried again, 'I've done no <i>wrong</i>!' <br>
 
−
The Huntsman's heart began to flutter. <br>
 
−
It melted like a pound of butter. <br>
 
−
He murmured, 'Okay, beat it, kid,' <br>
 
−
And you can bet your life she did. <br>
 
  
  
−
Later the Huntsman made a stop <br>
+
<p>Later the Huntsman made a stop <br>
 
Within the local butcher's shop. <br>
 
Within the local butcher's shop. <br>
 
And there he bought, for safety's sake, <br>
 
And there he bought, for safety's sake, <br>
−
A bullock's heart and one nice steak. <br>
+
A bullock's heart and one nice steak. </p>
  
  
−
'Oh Majesty! Oh Queen!' he cried,  <br>
+
<p>'Oh Majesty! Oh Queen!' he cried,  <br>
 
'That rotten little girl has died! <br>
 
'That rotten little girl has died! <br>
 
'And to prove I didn't cheat, <br>
 
'And to prove I didn't cheat, <br>
−
'I've brought along these bits of meat.' <br>
+
'I've brought along these bits of meat.' </p>
−
The Queen cried out 'Bravissimo!' <br>
+
 
 +
<p>The Queen cried out 'Bravissimo!' <br>
 
'I trust you killed her nice and slow.'  <br>
 
'I trust you killed her nice and slow.'  <br>
 
Then (this is the disgusting part) <br>
 
Then (this is the disgusting part) <br>
 
The Queen sat down and ate the heart! <br>
 
The Queen sat down and ate the heart! <br>
 
(I only hope she cooked it well. <br>
 
(I only hope she cooked it well. <br>
−
Boiled heart can be as tough as hell.) <br>
+
Boiled heart can be as tough as hell.) </p>
  
  
−
While all of this was going on,  <br>
+
<p>While all of this was going on,  <br>
−
Oh where, oh where had Snow-White gone? <br>
+
Oh where, oh where had Snow-White gone? </p>
−
She'd found it easy, being pretty, <br>
+
 
 +
<p>She'd found it easy, being pretty, <br>
 
To hitch a ride into the city, <br>
 
To hitch a ride into the city, <br>
 
And there she'd got a job, unpaid, <br>
 
And there she'd got a job, unpaid, <br>
Line 119: Line 417:
 
With seven funny little men, <br>
 
With seven funny little men, <br>
 
Each one not more than three foot ten, <br>
 
Each one not more than three foot ten, <br>
−
Ex horse-race jockeys, all of them. <br>
+
Ex horse-race jockeys, all of them. </p>
  
−
These Seven Dwarfs, though awfully nice, <br>
+
<p>These Seven Dwarfs, though awfully nice, <br>
 
Were guilty of one shocking vice -- <br>
 
Were guilty of one shocking vice -- <br>
 
They squandered all of their resources <br>
 
They squandered all of their resources <br>
 
At the race-track backing horses. <br>
 
At the race-track backing horses. <br>
 
(When they hadn't backed a winner, <br>
 
(When they hadn't backed a winner, <br>
−
None of them got any dinner.) <br>
+
None of them got any dinner.) </p>
−
One evening, Snow-White said, 'Look here, <br>
+
 
 +
<p>One evening, Snow-White said, 'Look here, <br>
 
'I think I've got a great idea. <br>
 
'I think I've got a great idea. <br>
 
'Just leave it all to me, okay? <br>
 
'Just leave it all to me, okay? <br>
−
'And no more gambling till I say.' <br>
+
'And no more gambling till I say.' </p>
  
  
−
That very night, at eventide, <br>
+
<p>That very night, at eventide, <br>
 
Young Snow-White hitched another ride, <br>
 
Young Snow-White hitched another ride, <br>
 
And then, when it was very late, <br>
 
And then, when it was very late, <br>
−
She slipped in through the Palace gate. <br>
+
She slipped in through the Palace gate. </p>
−
The King was in his counting house <br>
+
 
 +
<p>The King was in his counting house <br>
 
Counting out his money, <br>
 
Counting out his money, <br>
 
The Queen was in the parlour <br>
 
The Queen was in the parlour <br>
−
Eating bread and honey, <br>
+
Eating bread and honey, </p>
−
The footmen and the servants slept <br>
+
 
 +
<p>The footmen and the servants slept <br>
 
So no one saw her as she crept <br>
 
So no one saw her as she crept <br>
 
On tip-toe through the mighty hall <br>
 
On tip-toe through the mighty hall <br>
−
And grabbed THE MIRROR off the wall. <br>
+
And grabbed THE MIRROR off the wall. </p>
  
−
 
+
<p>As soon as had got it home, <br>
−
 
 
−
As soon as had got it home, <br>
 
 
She told the Senior Dwarf (or Gnome) <br>
 
She told the Senior Dwarf (or Gnome) <br>
 
To ask it what he wished to know. <br>
 
To ask it what he wished to know. <br>
−
'Go on!' she shouted. 'Have a go!' <br>
+
'Go on!' she shouted. 'Have a go!' </p>
−
he said, 'Oh Mirror, please don't joke! <br>
+
 
 +
<p>He said, 'Oh Mirror, please don't joke! <br>
 
'Each one of us is stony broke! <br>
 
'Each one of us is stony broke! <br>
 
'Which horse will win tomorrow's race, <br>
 
'Which horse will win tomorrow's race, <br>
−
'The Ascot Cup Steeplechase?' <br>
+
'The Ascot Cup Steeplechase?' </p>
−
The Mirror Whispered sweet and low, <br>
+
 
 +
<p>The Mirror whispered sweet and low, <br>
 
'The horse's name is Mistletoe.' <br>
 
'The horse's name is Mistletoe.' <br>
  
−
 
+
<p>The Dwarfs went absolutely daft, <br>
−
 
 
−
The Dwarfs went absolutely daft, <br>
 
 
They kissed young Snow-White fore and aft, <br>
 
They kissed young Snow-White fore and aft, <br>
 
Then rushed away to raise some dough <br>
 
Then rushed away to raise some dough <br>
Line 170: Line 469:
 
The manager of Barclays Bank.) <br>
 
The manager of Barclays Bank.) <br>
 
They went to Ascot and of course <br>
 
They went to Ascot and of course <br>
−
For once they backed the winning horse. <br>
+
For once they backed the winning horse. </p>
−
Thereafter, every single day, <br>
+
 
 +
<p>Thereafter, every single day, <br>
 
The Mirror made the bookies pay. <br>
 
The Mirror made the bookies pay. <br>
 
Each Dwarf and Snow-White got a share, <br>
 
Each Dwarf and Snow-White got a share, <br>
−
And each was soon a millionaire, <br>
+
And each was soon a millionaire, </p>
−
Which shows that gambling's not a sin <br>
+
 
−
Provided that you always win. <br>
+
<p>Which shows that gambling's not a sin <br>
 +
Provided that you always win. </p>
  
  
Line 295: Line 596:
 
==Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf==
 
==Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf==
  
−
As soon as Wolf began to feel <br>
+
<p>As soon as Wolf began to feel <br>
 
That he would like a decent meal, <br>
 
That he would like a decent meal, <br>
 
He went and knocked on Grandma's door. <br>
 
He went and knocked on Grandma's door. <br>
 
When Grandma opened it, she saw <br>
 
When Grandma opened it, she saw <br>
 
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin, <br>
 
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin, <br>
−
And Wolfie said, 'May I come in?' <br>
+
And Wolfie said, 'May I come in?' </p>
−
Poor Grandmamma was terrified, <br>
+
 
 +
<p>Poor Grandmamma was terrified, <br>
 
'He's going to eat me up,' she cried. <br>
 
'He's going to eat me up,' she cried. <br>
 
And she was absolutely right. <br>
 
And she was absolutely right. <br>
−
He ate her up in one big bite. <br>
+
He ate her up in one big bite. </p>
−
But Grandmamma was small and tough, <br>
+
 
 +
<p>But Grandmamma was small and tough, <br>
 
and Wolfie wailed, 'That's not enough!' <br>
 
and Wolfie wailed, 'That's not enough!' <br>
 
'I haven't yet begun to feel <br>
 
'I haven't yet begun to feel <br>
−
'That I have had a decent meal!' <br>
+
'That I have had a decent meal!' </p>
−
He ran around the kitchen yelping, <br>
+
 
 +
<p>He ran around the kitchen yelping, <br>
 
I've <i>got</i> to have another helping!' <br>
 
I've <i>got</i> to have another helping!' <br>
 
Then added with a frightful leer, <br>
 
Then added with a frightful leer, <br>
 
'I'm therefore going to wait right here <br>
 
'I'm therefore going to wait right here <br>
 
'Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood <br>
 
'Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood <br>
−
'Comes home from walking in the wood.' <br>
+
'Comes home from walking in the wood.' </p>
−
He quickly put on Grandma's clothes. <br>
+
 
 +
<p>He quickly put on Grandma's clothes. <br>
 
(Of course he hadn't eaten those.) <br>
 
(Of course he hadn't eaten those.) <br>
 
He dressed himself in coat and hat <br>
 
He dressed himself in coat and hat <br>
 
He put on shoes and after that <br>
 
He put on shoes and after that <br>
 
He even brushed and curled his hair, <br>
 
He even brushed and curled his hair, <br>
−
Then sat himself in Grandma's chair. <br>
+
Then sat himself in Grandma's chair. </p>
−
In came the little girl in red. <br>
+
 
−
She stopped. She stared.  And then she said, <br>
+
<p>In came the little girl in red. <br>
 +
She stopped. She stared.  And then she said, </p>
  
−
'<i>What great big ears you have, Grandma.</i>' <br>
+
<p>'<i>What great big ears you have, Grandma.</i>' <br>
 
'<i>All the better to hear you with,</i>' the Wolf replied. <br>
 
'<i>All the better to hear you with,</i>' the Wolf replied. <br>
 
'<i>What great big eyes you have, Grandma,</i>' said Little Red Riding Hood. <br>
 
'<i>What great big eyes you have, Grandma,</i>' said Little Red Riding Hood. <br>
−
'<i>All the better to see you with,</i>' the Wolf replied. <br>
+
'<i>All the better to see you with,</i>' the Wolf replied. </p>
  
−
He sat there watching her and smiled. <br>
+
<p>He sat there watching her and smiled. <br>
 
He thought, I'm going o eat this child. <br>
 
He thought, I'm going o eat this child. <br>
 
Compared with her old Grandmamma <br>
 
Compared with her old Grandmamma <br>
−
She's going to taste like caviare. <br>
+
She's going to taste like caviar. </p>
  
−
Then Little Red Riding Hood said, '<i>But Grandma, what a lovely big furry coat you have on.</i>' <br>
+
<p>Then Little Red Riding Hood said, '<i>But Grandma,<br>
 +
what a lovely big furry coat you have on.</i>' <br>
 
'That's wrong!' cried Wolf. 'Have you forgot <br>
 
'That's wrong!' cried Wolf. 'Have you forgot <br>
 
'To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got? <br>
 
'To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got? <br>
 
'Ah well, no matter what you say, <br>
 
'Ah well, no matter what you say, <br>
−
'I'm going to eat you anyway.' <br>
+
'I'm going to eat you anyway.' </p>
−
The small girl smiles.  One eyelid flickers. <br>
+
 
 +
<p>The small girl smiles.  One eyelid flickers. <br>
 
She whips a pistol from her knickers. <br>
 
She whips a pistol from her knickers. <br>
 
She aims it at the creature's head <br>
 
She aims it at the creature's head <br>
−
And <i>bang bang bang</i>, she shoots him dead. <br>
+
And <i>bang bang bang</i>, she shoots him dead. </p>
−
A few weeks later, in the wood, <br>
+
 
 +
<p>A few weeks later, in the wood, <br>
 
I came across Miss Riding Hood. <br>
 
I came across Miss Riding Hood. <br>
 
But what a change! No cloak of red, <br>
 
But what a change! No cloak of red, <br>
 
No silly hood upon her head. <br>
 
No silly hood upon her head. <br>
 
She said, 'Hello, and do please note <br>
 
She said, 'Hello, and do please note <br>
−
'My lovely furry WOLFSKIN COAT.'
+
'My lovely furry WOLFSKIN COAT.'</p>
  
 
==Goldilocks==
 
==Goldilocks==
  
−
This famous wicked little tale<br>
+
<p>This famous wicked little tale<br>
 
Should never have been put on sale.<br>
 
Should never have been put on sale.<br>
 
It is a mystery to me<br>
 
It is a mystery to me<br>
 
Why loving parents cannot see<br>
 
Why loving parents cannot see<br>
 
That this is actually a book<br>
 
That this is actually a book<br>
−
About a brazen little crook.<br>
+
About a brazen little crook.</p>
−
Had I the chance I wouldn't fail<br>
+
 
 +
<p>Had I the chance I wouldn't fail<br>
 
To clap young Goldilocks in jail.<br>
 
To clap young Goldilocks in jail.<br>
 
Now just imagine how you'd feel<br>
 
Now just imagine how you'd feel<br>
−
If you had cooked a lovely meal,<br>
+
If you had cooked a lovely meal,</p>
−
Delicious porridge, steaming hot,<br>
+
 
 +
<p>Delicious porridge, steaming hot,<br>
 
Fresh coffee in the coffee-pot,<br>
 
Fresh coffee in the coffee-pot,<br>
 
With maybe toast and marmalade,<br>
 
With maybe toast and marmalade,<br>
 
The table beautifully laid,<br>
 
The table beautifully laid,<br>
 
One place for you and one for dad,<br>
 
One place for you and one for dad,<br>
−
Another for your little lad.<br>
+
Another for your little lad.</p>
−
Then dad cries,'Golly-gosh! Gee-whizz!<br>
+
 
 +
<p>Then dad cries,'Golly-gosh! Gee-whizz!<br>
 
'Oh cripes! How hot this porridge is!<br>
 
'Oh cripes! How hot this porridge is!<br>
 
'Let's take a walk along the street <br>
 
'Let's take a walk along the street <br>
−
'Until it's cool enough to eat.' <br>
+
'Until it's cool enough to eat.' </p>
−
He adds, 'An early morning stroll <br>
+
 
 +
<p>He adds, 'An early morning stroll <br>
 
'Is good for people on the whole. <br>
 
'Is good for people on the whole. <br>
 
'It makes your appetite improve <br>
 
'It makes your appetite improve <br>
−
'It also helps your bowels to move.'<br>
+
'It also helps your bowels to move.'</p>
−
<br>
+
 
−
No proper wife would dare to question<br>
+
<p>No proper wife would dare to question<br>
 
Such a sensible suggestion,<br>
 
Such a sensible suggestion,<br>
 
Above all not at breakfast-time<br>
 
Above all not at breakfast-time<br>
−
When men are seldom at their prime.<br>
+
When men are seldom at their prime.</p>
−
No sooner are you down the road <br>
+
 
 +
<p>No sooner are you down the road <br>
 
Than Goldilocks, that little toad,<br>
 
Than Goldilocks, that little toad,<br>
 
That nosey thieving little louse,<br>
 
That nosey thieving little louse,<br>
−
Comes sneaking in your empty house.<br>
+
Comes sneaking in your empty house.</p>
−
She looks around. She quickly notes<br>
+
 
 +
<p>She looks around. She quickly notes<br>
 
Three bowls brimful of porridge oats.<br>
 
Three bowls brimful of porridge oats.<br>
 
And while still standing on her feet,<br>
 
And while still standing on her feet,<br>
−
She grabs a spoon and starts to eat.<br>
+
She grabs a spoon and starts to eat.</p>
−
<br>
+
 
−
I say again, how would you feel<br>
+
<p>I say again, how would you feel<br>
 
If you had made this lovely meal<br>
 
If you had made this lovely meal<br>
 
And some delinquent little tot<br>
 
And some delinquent little tot<br>
−
Broke in and gobbled up the lot?<br>
+
Broke in and gobbled up the lot?</p>
−
But wait! That's not the worst of it!<br>
+
 
 +
<p>But wait! That's not the worst of it!<br>
 
Now comes the most distressing bit.<br>
 
Now comes the most distressing bit.<br>
 
You are of course a houseproud wife,<br>
 
You are of course a houseproud wife,<br>
Line 401: Line 717:
 
Like gilded cherubs wearing wings,<br>
 
Like gilded cherubs wearing wings,<br>
 
And furniture by Chippendale<br>
 
And furniture by Chippendale<br>
−
Bought at some famous auction sale.<br>
+
Bought at some famous auction sale.</p>
−
But your most special valued treasure,<br>
+
 
 +
<p>But your most special valued treasure,<br>
 
The piece that gives you endless pleasure <br>
 
The piece that gives you endless pleasure <br>
 
Is one small children's dining-chair,<br>
 
Is one small children's dining-chair,<br>
 
Elizabethan, very rare.<br>
 
Elizabethan, very rare.<br>
 
It is in fact your joy and pride,<br>
 
It is in fact your joy and pride,<br>
−
Passed down to you on grandma's side.<br>
+
Passed down to you on grandma's side.</p>
−
But Goldilocks, like many freaks,<br>
+
 
 +
<p>But Goldilocks, like many freaks,<br>
 
Does not appreciate antiques.<br>
 
Does not appreciate antiques.<br>
 
She doesn't care, she doesn't mind,<br>
 
She doesn't care, she doesn't mind,<br>
 
And now she plonks her fat behind<br>
 
And now she plonks her fat behind<br>
 
Upon this dainty precious chair, <br>
 
Upon this dainty precious chair, <br>
−
And crunch! It busts beyond repair.<br>
+
And crunch! It busts beyond repair.</p>
−
A nice girl would at once exclaim,<br>
+
 
−
'Oh dear! Oh heavens! What a shame!'<br>
+
<p>A nice girl would at once exclaim,<br>
−
<br>
+
'Oh dear! Oh heavens! What a shame!'</p>
 +
 
 
Not Goldie. She begins to swear.<br>
 
Not Goldie. She begins to swear.<br>
 
She bellows,'What a lousy chair!'<br>
 
She bellows,'What a lousy chair!'<br>
Line 422: Line 741:
 
That luckily you've never heard.<br>
 
That luckily you've never heard.<br>
 
(I dare not write it, even hint it.<br>
 
(I dare not write it, even hint it.<br>
−
Nobody would ever print it.)<br>
+
Nobody would ever print it.)</p>
−
You'd think by now this little skunk<br>
+
 
 +
 
 +
<p>You'd think by now this little skunk<br>
 
Would have the sense to do a bunk.<br>
 
Would have the sense to do a bunk.<br>
 
But no. I very much regret<br>
 
But no. I very much regret<br>
−
She hasn't nearly finished yet.<br>
+
She hasn't nearly finished yet.</p>
−
Deciding she would like a rest,<br>
+
 
 +
<p>Deciding she would like a rest,<br>
 
She says, 'Let's see which bed is best.'<br>
 
She says, 'Let's see which bed is best.'<br>
 
Upstairs she goes and tries all three.<br>
 
Upstairs she goes and tries all three.<br>
−
(Here conies the next catastrophe.)<br>
+
(Here conies the next catastrophe.)</p>
−
Most educated people choose<br>
+
 
 +
<p>Most educated people choose<br>
 
To rid themselves of socks and shoes<br>
 
To rid themselves of socks and shoes<br>
 
Before they clamber into bed.<br>
 
Before they clamber into bed.<br>
−
But Goldie didn't give a shred.<br>
+
But Goldie didn't give a shred.</p>
−
Her filthy shoes were thick with grime,<br>
+
 
 +
<p>Her filthy shoes were thick with grime,<br>
 
And mud and mush and slush and slime.<br>
 
And mud and mush and slush and slime.<br>
 
Worse still, upon the heel of one<br>
 
Worse still, upon the heel of one<br>
−
Was something that a dog had done.<br>
+
Was something that a dog had done.</p>
−
I say once more, what would you think<br>
+
 
 +
<p>I say once more, what would you think<br>
 
If all this horrid dirt and stink<br>
 
If all this horrid dirt and stink<br>
 
Was smeared upon your eiderdown<br>
 
Was smeared upon your eiderdown<br>
 
By this revolting little clown?<br>
 
By this revolting little clown?<br>
 
(The famous story has no clues<br>
 
(The famous story has no clues<br>
−
To show the girl removed her shoes.)<br>
+
To show the girl removed her shoes.)</p>
−
Oh, what a tale of crime on crime! <br>
+
 
−
Let's check it for a second time.<br>
+
<p>Oh, what a tale of crime on crime! <br>
−
Crime One, the prosecution's case: <br>
+
Let's check it for a second time.</p>
−
She breaks and enters someone's place.<br>
+
 
−
Crime Two, the prosecutor notes: <br>
+
<p>Crime One, the prosecution's case: <br>
−
She steals a bowl of porridge oats.<br>
+
She breaks and enters someone's place.</p>
−
Crime Three: She breaks a precious chair<br>
+
 
−
Belonging to the Baby Bear.<br>
+
<p>Crime Two, the prosecutor notes: <br>
−
Crime Four: She smears each spotless sheet <br>
+
She steals a bowl of porridge oats.</p>
−
With filthy messes from her feet.<br>
+
 
−
A judge would say without a blink, <br>
+
<p>Crime Three: She breaks a precious chair<br>
−
'Ten years hard labour in the clink!' <br>
+
Belonging to the Baby Bear.</p>
−
<br>
+
 
−
But in the book, as you will see, <br>
+
<p>Crime Four: She smears each spotless sheet <br>
 +
With filthy messes from her feet.</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>A judge would say without a blink, <br>
 +
'Ten years hard labour in the clink!' </p>
 +
 
 +
<p>But in the book, as you will see, <br>
 
The little beast gets off scot-free, <br>
 
The little beast gets off scot-free, <br>
 
While tiny children near and far <br>
 
While tiny children near and far <br>
 
Shout,'Goody-good! Hooray! Hurrah!'<br>
 
Shout,'Goody-good! Hooray! Hurrah!'<br>
 
'Poor darling Goldilocks!' they say, <br>
 
'Poor darling Goldilocks!' they say, <br>
−
'Thank goodness that she got away!'<br>
+
'Thank goodness that she got away!'</p>
−
Myself, I think I'd rather send<br>
+
 
−
Young Goldie to a sticky end. <br>
+
<p>Myself, I think I'd rather send<br>
−
'Oh daddy!' cried the Baby Bear, <br>
+
Young Goldie to a sticky end. </p>
 +
 
 +
<p>'Oh daddy!' cried the Baby Bear, <br>
 
'My porridge gone! It isn't fair!'<br>
 
'My porridge gone! It isn't fair!'<br>
 
'Then go upstairs,' the Big Bear said,<br>
 
'Then go upstairs,' the Big Bear said,<br>
 
'Your porridge is upon the bed.<br>
 
'Your porridge is upon the bed.<br>
 
'But as it's inside mademoiselle,<br>
 
'But as it's inside mademoiselle,<br>
−
'You'll have to eat her up as well.'<br>
+
'You'll have to eat her up as well.'</p>
 +
 
 +
==The Three Little Pigs==
 +
 
 +
<p>The animal I really dig<br>
 +
Above all others is the pig <br>
 +
Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever,<br>
 +
Pigs are courteous.  However,<br>
 +
Now and then, to break this rule,<br>
 +
One meets a pig who is a fool.</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>What, for example, would you say<br>
 +
If strolling through the woods one day,<br>
 +
Right there in front of you you saw<br>
 +
A pg who'd built his house of STRAW?<br>
 +
The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,<br>
 +
And said, 'that pig has had his chips.'</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'<br>
 +
'No, no by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'<br>
 +
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>The little pig began to pray,<br>
 +
But Wolfie blew his house away,<br>
 +
He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham!<br>
 +
'Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!'<br>
 +
And though he ate the pig quite fast,<br>
 +
he carefully kept the tail till last.</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated.<br>
 +
Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted<br>
 +
Another little house for pigs,<br>
 +
And this one had been built of TWIGS!</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'<br>
 +
'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'<br>
 +
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'<br></p>
 +
 
 +
<p>The Wolf said 'Okay, here we go!'<br>
 +
He then began to blow and blow,<br>
 +
The little pig began to squeal.<br>
 +
He cried, "Oh Wolf, you've had <i>one</i> meal!<br>
 +
Why can't we talk and make a deal?'</p>
 +
 
 +
 
 +
<p>The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!'<br>
 +
And soon the pig was in his belly.<br>
 +
'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried,<br>
 +
'But still I am not satisfied!<br>
 +
'I know full well my tummy's bulging<br>
 +
'But oh, how I adore indulging.'</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>So creeping quietly as a mouse,<br>
 +
The Wolf approached another house,<br>
 +
A house which also had inside<br>
 +
A little piggy trying to hide.</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>But this one, Piggy Number Three,<br>
 +
Was bright and brainy as could be.<br>
 +
No straw for him, no twigs or sticks.<br>
 +
This pig had built his house of BRICKS.</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>'You'll not get <i>me</i>' the Piggy cried.<br>
 +
'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied.<br>
 +
'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff,<br>
 +
'And I don't think you've got enough.'</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew.<br>
 +
The house stayed up as good as new.<br>
 +
'If I can't blow it <strong>down</strong>,' Wolf said,<br>
 +
'I'll have to blow it <strong>up</strong> instead.<br>
 +
'I'll come back in the dead of night<br>
 +
'And blow it up with dynamite!'</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>Pig cried, 'You brute!  I might have known!'<br>
 +
Then, picking up the telephone, <br>
 +
He dialed as quickly as he could<br>
 +
The number of Red Riding Hood.</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>'Hello,' she said.  'Who's speaking? <i>Who?</i><br>
 +
'Oh, hello Piggy, how d'you do?'<br>
 +
Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood!<br>
 +
'Oh help me, please!  Do you think you could?'</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>'I'll try, of course,' Miss Hood replied.<br>
 +
'What's on your mind?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried,<br>
 +
'I know you've dealt with wolves before,<br>
 +
'And now I've got one at my door.</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet,<br>
 +
'That's something <i>really</i> up my street.<br>
 +
'I've just begun to wash my hair.<br>
 +
'But when it's dry, I'll be right there.'</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>A short while later, through the wood,<br>
 +
Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood.<br>
 +
The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze<br>
 +
And yellowish, like mayonnaise,<br>
 +
His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,<br>
 +
And spit was dripping from his jaw.</p>
 +
 
 +
<p>Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers.<br>
 +
She draws the pistol from her knickers,<br>
 +
Once more, she his the vital spot.<br>
 +
And kills him with a single shot.<br>
 +
Pig, peeping through the window, stood<br>
 +
And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Robin Hood!'</p>
  
−
=test=
+
<p>Ah Piglet, you must never trust<br>
−
<html>
+
Young ladies from the upper crust.<br>
−
<head>
+
For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes,<br>
−
<style>
+
Not only has two wolfskin coats,<br>
−
</style>
+
But when she goes from place to place,<br>
−
</head>
+
She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE.</p>
−
<body>
 
−
<p id="" class="">It was getting on toward six o'clock so I thought I'd buy myself a beer and go out and sit in a deck chair by the swimming pool and have a little evening sun.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">I went to the bar and got the beer and carried it outside and wandered down the garden toward the pool.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">It was a fine garden with lawns and beds of azaleas and tall coconut palms, and the wind was blowing strongly through the tops of the palm trees making the leaves hiss and crackle as though they were on fire. I could see the clusters of big brown nuts handing down underneath the leaves.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">There were plenty of deck chairs around the swimming pool and there were white tables and huge brightly colored umbrellas and sunburned men and women sitting around in bathing suits. In the pool itself there were three or four girls and about a dozen boys, all splashing about and making a lot of noise and throwing a large rubber ball at one another.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">I stood watching them. The girls were English girls from the hotel. The boys I didn't know about, but they sounded American and I thought they were probably naval cadets who'd come ashore from the U.S. naval training vessel which had arrived in the harbor that morning.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">I went over and sat down under a yellow umbrella where there were four empty seats, and I poured my beer and settled back comfortably with a cigarette.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">It was very pleasant sitting there in the sunshine with beer and a cigarette. It was pleasant to sit and watch the bathers splashing about in the green water.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The American sailors were getting on nicely with the English girls. They'd reached the stage where they were diving under the water and tipping them up by their legs.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">Just then I noticed a small, oldish man walking briskly around the edge of the pool. He was immaculately dressed in a white suit and he walked very quickly with little bouncing strides, pushing himself high up onto his toes with each step. He had on a large creamy Panama hat, and he came bouncing along the side of the pool, looking at the people and the chairs.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">He stopped beside me and smiled, showing two rows of very small, uneven teeth, slightly tarnished. I smiled back.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Excuse pleess, but may I sit here?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Certainly," I said. "Go ahead."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">He bobbed around to the back of the chair and inspected it for safety, then he sat down and crossed his legs. His white buckskin shows had little holes punched all over them for ventilation.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"A fine evening," he said. "They are all evenings fine here in Jamaica." I couldn't tell if the accent were Italian or Spanish, but I felt fairly sure he was some sort of a South American. And old too, when you saw him close. Probably around sixty-eight or seventy.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Yes," I said. "It is wonderful here, isn't it."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"And who, might I ask are all dese? Dese is no hotel people." He was pointing at the bathers in the pool.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I think they're American sailors," I told him. "They're Americans who are learning to be sailors."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Of course dey are Americans. Who else in de world is going to make as much noise as dat? You are not American, no?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"No," I said. "I am not."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">Suddenly one of the American cadets was standing in front of us. He was dripping wet from the pool and one of the English girls was standing there with him.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Are these chairs taken?" he said.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"No," I answered.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Mind if I sit down?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Go ahead."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Thanks," he said. He had a towel in his hand and when he sat down he unrolled it and produced a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He offered the cigarettes to the girl and she refused; then he offered them to me and I took one. The little man said, "Tank you, no, but I tink I have a cigar." He pulled out a crocodile case and got himself a cigar, then he produced a knife which had a small scissors in it and he snipped the end off the cigar.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Here, let me give you a light." The American boy held up his lighter.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Dat will not work in dis wind."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Sure, it'll work. It always works."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The little man removed his unlighted cigar from his mouth, cocked his head on one side and looked at the boy.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"All-ways?" he said softly.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Sure, it never fails. Not with me anyway."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The little man's head was still cocked over on one side and he was still watching the boy. "Well, well. So you say dis famous lighter it never fails. Iss dat you say?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Sure," the boy said. "That's right." He was about nineteen or twenty with a long freckled face and a rather sharp birdlike nose. His chest was not very sunburned and there were freckles there too, and a few wisps of pale-reddish hair. He was holding the lighter in his right hand, ready to flip the wheel. "It never fails," he said, smiling now because he was purposely exaggerating his little boast. "I promise you it never fails."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"One momint, pleess." The hand that held the cigar came up high, palm outward, as though it were stopping traffic. "Now juss one momint." He had a curiously soft, toneless voice and he kept looking at the boy all the time.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Shall we not perhaps make a little bet on dat?" He smiled at the boy. "Shall we not make a little bet on whether your lighter lights?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Sure, I'll bet," the boy said. "Why not?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"You like to bet?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Sure, I'll always bet."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The man paused and examined his cigar, and I must say I didn't much like the way he was behaving. It seemed he was already trying to make something out of this, and to embarrass the boy, and at the same time I had the feeling he was relishing a private little secret all his own.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">He looked up again at the boy and said slowly, "I like to bet, too. Why we don't have a good bet on dis ting? A good big bet?</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Now wait a minute," the boy said. "I can't do that. But I'll bet you a dollar, or whatever it is over here-some shillings, I guess."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The little man waved his hand again. "Listen to me. Now we have some fun. We make a bet. Den we go up to my room here in de hotel where iss no wind and I bet you you cannot light dis famous lighter of yours ten times running without missing once."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I'll bet I can," the boy said.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"All right. Good. We make a bet, yes?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Sure. I'll bet you a buck."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"No, no. I make you very good bet. I am rich man and I am sporting man also. Listen to me. Outside de hotel iss my car. Iss very fine car. American car from your country. Cadillac-"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Hey, now. Wait a minute." The boy leaned back in his deck chair and he laughed. "I can't put up that sort of property. This is crazy."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Not crazy at all. You strike lighter successfully ten times running and Cadillac is yours. You like to have dis Cadillac, yes?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Sure, I'd like to have a Cadillac." The boy was still grinning.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"All right. Fine. We make a bet and I put up my Cadillac."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"And what do I put up?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"The little man carefully removed the red band from his still unlighted cigar. "I never ask you, my friend, to bet something you cannot afford. You understand?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Then what do I bet?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I make it very easy for you, yes?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Okay. You make it easy."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Some small ting you can afford to give away, and if you did happen to lose it you would not feel too bad. Right?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Such as what?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Such as, perhaps, de little finger of your left hand."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"My what! The boy stopped grinning.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Yes. Why not? You win, you take de car. You looss, I take de finger."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I don't get it. How d'you mean, you take the finger?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I chop it off."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Jumping jeepers! That's a crazy bet. I think I'll just make it a dollar."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The man leaned back, spread out his hands palms upward and gave a tiny contemptuous shrug of the shoulders. "Well, well, well," he said. "I do not understand. You say it lights but you will not bet. Den we forget it, yes?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The boy sat quite still, staring at the bathers in the pool. Then he remembered suddenly he hadn't lighted his cigarette. He put it between his lips, cupped his hands around the lighter and flipped the wheel. The wick lighted and burned with a small, steady, yellow flame and the way he held his hands the wind didn't get to it at all.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Could I have a light, too?" I said.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Gee, I'm sorry. I forgot you didn't have one."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">I held out my hand for the lighter, but he stood up and came over to do it for me.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Thank you," I said, and he returned to his seat.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"You having a good time?" I asked.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Fine," he answered. "It's pretty nice here."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">There was a silence then, and I could see that the little man has succeeded in disturbing the boy with his absurd proposal. He was sitting there very still, and it was obvious that a small tension was beginning to build up inside him. Then he started shifting about in his seat, and rubbing his chest, and stroking the back of his neck, and finally he placed both hands on his knees and began tapping his fingers against his knee-caps. Soon he was tapping with one of his feet as well.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Now just let me check up on this bet of yours," he said at last. "You say we go up to your room and if I make this lighter light ten times running I win a Cadillac. If it misses just once then I forfeit the little finger of my left hand. Is that right?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Certainly. Dat is de bet. But I tink you are afraid."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"What do we do if I lose? Do I have to hold my finger out while you chop it off?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Oh, no! Dat would be no good. And you might be tempted to refuse to hold it out. What I should do I should tie one of your hands to de table before we started and I should stand dere with a knife ready to go chop de momint your lighter missed."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"What year is the Cadillac?" the boy asked.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Excuse. I not understand."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"What year-how old is the Cadillac?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Ah! How old? Yes. It is last year. Quite now car. But I see you are not betting man. Americans never are."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The boy paused for just a moment and he glanced first at the English girl, then at me. "Yes," he said sharply. "I'll bet you."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Good!" The little man clapped his hands together quietly, once. "Fine," he said. "We do it now. And you, sir," he turned to me, "you would perhaps be good enough to, what you call it, to-to referee." He had pale, almost colorless eyes with tiny bright black pupils.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Well," I said. "I think it's a crazy bet. I don't think I like it very much."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Nor do I," said the English girl. It was the first time she'd spoken. "I think it's a stupid, ridiculous bet."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Are you serious about cutting off this boy's finger if he loses?" I said.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Certainly I am. Also about cutting off this boy's finger if he loses?" I said.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Certainly I am. Also about giving him Cadillac if he win. Come now. We go to my room."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">He stood up. "You like to put on some clothes first?" he said.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"No," the boy answered. "I'll come like this." Then he turned to me. "I'd consider it a favor if you'd come along and referee."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"All right," I said. "I'll come along, but I don't like the bet."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"You come too," he said to the girl. "You come and watch.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The little man led the way back through the garden to the hotel. He was animated now, and excited, and that seemed to make him bounce up higher than ever on his toes as he walked along.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I live in annex," he said. "You like to see car first? Iss just here."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">He took us to where we could see the front driveway of the hotel and he stopped and pointed to a sleek pale-green Cadillac parked close by.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Dere she iss. De green one. You like?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Say, that's a nice car," the boy said.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"All right. Now we go up and see if you can win her."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">We followed him into the annex and up one flight of stairs. He unlocked his door and we all trooped into what was a large pleasant double bedroom. There was a woman's dressing gown lying across the bottom of one of the beds.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"First," he said, "we'ave a little Martini."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The drinks were on a small table in the far corner, all ready to be mixed, and there was a shaker and ice and plenty of glasses. He began to make the Martini, but meanwhile he'd rung the bell and now there was a knock on the door and a colored maid came in.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Ah!" he said, putting down the bottle of gin, taking a wallet from his pocket and pulling out a pound note. "You will do something for me now, pleess." He gave the maid the pound.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"You keep dat," he said. "And now we are going to play a little game in here and I want you to go off and find for me two-no three tings. I want some nails; I want a hammer, and I want a chopping knife, a butcher's chipping knife which you can borrow from de kitchen. You can get, yes?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"A chopping knife!" The maid opened her eyes wide and clasped her hands in front of her. "You mean a real chopping knife?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Yes, yes, of course. Come on now, pleess. You can find dose tings surely for me."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Yes, sir, I'll try, sir. Surely I'll try to get them." And she went.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The little man handed round the Martinis. We stood there and sipped them, the boy with the long freckled face and the pointed nose, bare-bodied except for a pair of faded brown bathing shorts; the English girl, a large-boned, fair-haired girl wearing a pale blue bathing suit, who watched the boy over the top of her glass all the time; the little man with the colorless eyes standing there in his immaculate white suit drinking his Martini and looking at the girl in her pale blue bathing dress. I didn't know what to make of it all. The man seemed serious about the bet and he seemed serious about the business of cutting off the finger. But hell, what if the boy lost? Then we'd have to rush him to the hospital in the Cadillac that he hadn't won. That would be a fine thing. Now wouldn't that be a really find thing? It would be a damn silly unnecessary thing so far as I could see.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Don't you think this is rather a silly bet?" I said.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I think it's a fine bet," the boy answered. He had already downed one large Martini.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I think it's a stupid, ridiculous bet," the girl said. "What'll happen if you lose?"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"It won't matter. Come to think of it, I can't remember ever in my life having had any use for the little finger on my left hand. Here he is." The boy took hold of the finger. "Here he is and he hasn't ever done a thing for me yet. So why shouldn't I bet him. I think it's a fine bet."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The little man smiled and picked up the shaker and refilled our glasses.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Before we begin," he said, "I will present to de-to de referee de key of de car." He produced a car key from his pocket and gave it to me. "De papers," he said, "de owning papers and insurance are in de pocket of de car."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">Then the colored maid came in again. In one hand she carried a small chopper, the kind used by butchers for chopping meat bones, and in the other a hammer and a bag of nails.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Good! You get dem all. Tank you, tank you. Now you can go." He waited until the maid had closed the door, then he put the implements on one of the beds and said, "Now we prepare ourselves, yes?" And to the boy "Help me, pleess, with dis table. We carry it out a little."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">It was the usual kind of hotel writing desk, just a plain rectangular table about four feet by three with a blotting pad, ink, pens and paper. They carried it out into the room away from the wall, and removed the writing things.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"And now," he said, "a chair." He picked up a chair and placed it beside the table. He was very brisk and very animated, like a person organizing games at a children's party. "And now de nails. I must put in de nails." He fetched the nails and he began to hammer them into the top of the table.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">We stood there, the boy, the girl, and I, holding Martinis in out hands, watching the little man at work. We watched him hammer two nails into the table, about six inches apart. He didn't hammer them right home; he allowed a small part of each one to stick up. Then he tested them for firmness with his fingers.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">Anyone would think the son of a bitch had done this before, I told myself. He never hesitates. Table, nails, hammer, kitchen chopper. He knows exactly what he needs and how to arrange it.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"And now," he said, "all we want is some string." He found some string. "All right, at last we are ready. Will you pleess to sit here at de table," he said to the boy.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The boy put his glass away and sat down.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Now place de left hand between dese two nails. De nails are only so I can tie your hand in place. All right, good. Now I tie your hand secure to de table-so,"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">He wound the string around the boy's wrist, then several times around the wide part of the hand, then he fastened it tight to the nails. He made a good job of it and when he'd finished there wasn't any question about the boy being able to draw his hand away. But he could move his fingers.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Now pleess, clench de fist, all except for de little finger. You must leave de little finger sticking out, lying on de table."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Ex-cellent! Ex-cellent! Now we are ready. Wid your right hand you manipulate de lighter. But one momint, pleess."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">He skipped over to the bed and picked up the chopper. He came back and stood beside the table with the chopper in his hand.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"We are all ready?" he said. "Mister referee, you must say to begin."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The English girl was standing there in her pale blue bathing costume right behind the boy's chair. She was just standing there, not saying anything. The boy was sitting quite still, holding the lighter in his right hand, looking at the chopper. The little man was looking at me.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Are you ready?" I asked the boy.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I'm ready."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"And you?" to the little man.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Quite ready," he said and he lifted the chopper up in the air and held it there about two feet above the boy's finger, ready to chop. The boy watched it, but he didn't flinch and his mouth didn't move at all. He merely raised his eyebrows and frowned.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"All right," I said. "Go ahead."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The boy said, "Will you please count aloud the number of times I light it."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Yes," I said. "I'll do that."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">With his thumb he raised the top of the lighter, and again with the thumb he gave the wheel a sharp flick. The flint sparked and the wick caught fire and burned with a small yellow flame.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"One!" I called.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">He didn't blow the flame out; he closed the top of the lighter on it and he waited for perhaps five seconds before opening it again.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">He flicked the wheel very strongly and once more there was a small flame burning on the wick.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Two!"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">No one else said anything. The boy kept his eyes on the lighter. The little man held the chipper up in the air and he too was watching the lighter.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Three!"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Four!"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Five!"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Six!"</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Seven!" Obviously it was one of those lighters that worked. The fling gave a big spark and the wick was the right length. I watched the thumb snapping the top down onto the flame. Then a pause. Then the thumb raising the top once more. This was an all-thumb operation. The thumb did everything. I took a breath, ready to say eight. The thumb flicked the wheel. The flint sparked. The little flame appeared.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Eight!" I said, and as I said it the door opened. We all turned and we saw a woman standing in the doorway, a small, black-haired woman, rather old, who stood there for about two seconds then rushed forward shouting, "Carlos! Carlos!" She grabbed his wrist, took the chopper from him, threw it on the bed, took hold of the little man by the lapels of his white suit and began shaking him very vigorously, talking to him fast and loud and fiercely all the time in some Spanish-sounding language. She shook him so fast you couldn't see him any more. He became a faint, misty, quickly moving outline, like the spokes of a turning wheel.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">Then she slowed down and the little man came into view again and she hauled him across the room and pushed him backward onto one of the beds. He sat on the edge of it blinking his eyes and testing his head to see if it would still turn on his neck.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I am so sorry," the woman said. "I am so terribly sorry that this should happen." She spoke almost perfect English.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"It is too bad," she went on. "I suppose it is really my fault. For ten minutes I leave him alone to go and have my hair washed and I come back and he is at it again." She looked sorry and deeply concerned.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">The boy was untying his hand from the table. The English girl and I stood there and said nothing.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"He is a menace," the woman said. "Down where we live at home he has taken altogether forty-seven fingers from different people, and he has lost eleven cars. In the end they threatened to have him put away somewhere. That's why I brought him up here."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"We were only having a little bet," mumbled the little man from the bed.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"I suppose he bet you a car," the woman said.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Yes," the boy answered. "A Cadillac."</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"He has no car. It's mine. And that makes it worse," she said, "that he should bet you when he has nothing to bet with. I am ashamed and very sorry about it all." She seemed an awfully nice woman.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"Well," I said, "then here's the key of your car." I put it on the table.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"We were only having a little bet," mumbled the little man.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">"He hasn't anything left to bet with," the woman said. "He hasn't a thing in the world. Not a thing. As a matter of fact I myself won it all from him a long while ago. It took time, a lot of time, and it was hard work, but I won it all in the end." She looked up at the boy and she smiled, a slow sad smile, and she came over and put out a hand to take the key from the table.</p>
 
−
<p id="" class="">I can see it now, that hand of hers; it had only one finger on it, and a thumb.</p>
 
−
</body>
 
−
</html>
 

Latest revision as of 23:08, 25 July 2016

Stories


Movies

blockbusters (resumés at IMBD)

  • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Mel Stuart), (Tim Burton )
  • James and the Giant Peach [Harry Selick (dir.) / Tim Burton (prod.) [1]
  • Matilda

television

  • Alfred Hitchcock Presents "The Man From the South", [2]
  • Tales of the Unexpected, "The Landlady", 1961. [3]

Revolting Rhymes

Jack and the Beanstalk

Jack's mother said,

We're stony broke

Go out and find some wealthy bloke
Who'll buy our cow. Just say she's sound
And worth at least a hundred pound.
But don't you dare to let him know

That she's as old as billy-o.

Jack led the old brown cow away,
And came back later in the day,
And said,

Oh mumsie dear, guess what

Your clever little boy has got.
I got, I really don't know how,

A super trade-in for our cow.

The mother said,

You little creep,
I'll bet you sold her much too cheap.

When Jack produced one lousy bean,
His startled mother, turning green,
Leaped high up in the air and cried,

I'm absolutely stupefied!

You crazy boy! D'you really mean

You sold our Daisy for a bean?

She snatched the bean. She yelled, 'You chump!'
And flung it on the rubbish-dump.
Then summoning up all her power,
She beat the boy for half an hour,
Using (and nothing could be meaner)
The handle of a vaccuum-cleaner.

At ten p.m. or thereabout,
The little bean began to sprout.
By morning it had grown so tall
You couldn't see the top at all.

Young Jack cried,

Mum, admit it now!
It's better than a rotten cow!

The mother said,

You lunatic!

Where are the beans that I can pick?

There's not one bean! It's bare as bare!

— No no!
cried Jack.
You look up there!

Look very high and you'll behold

Each single leaf is solid gold!

By gollikins, the boy was right!
Now, glistening in the morning light,
The mother actually perceives
A mass of lovely golden leaves!

She yells out loud,

My sainted souls!

I'll sell the Mini, buy a Rolls!
Don't stand and gape, you little clot!

Get up there and grab the lot!

Jack was nimble, Jack was keen
He scrambled up the mighty bean.
Up up he went without a stop,
But just as he was near the top,
A ghastly frightening thing occurred –

Not far above his head he heard
A big deep voice, a rumbling thing
That made the very heavens ring.
It shouted loud,

Fee fi fo fum
'I smell the blood of an Englishman!

Jack was frightened, Jack was quick,
And down he climbed in half a tick.

Oh mum!
he gasped,
Believe you me

There's something nasty up our tree!
I saw him, mum! My gizzard froze!

A Giant with a clever nose!

— A clever nose!
his mother hissed.
You must be going round the twist!

— He smelled me out, I swear it, mum!
He said he smelled an Englishman

The mother said,

And well he might!

I've told you every single night
To take a bath because you smell,
But would you do it? Would you hell!
You even make your mother shrink

Because of your unholy stink!

Jack answered,

Well, if you're so clean
Why don't you climb the crazy bean.
The mother cried,
By gad, I will!
There's life within the old dog still!

She hitched her skirts above her knee
And disappeared right up the tree.
Now would the Giant smell his mum?
Jack listened for the fee-fo-fum.

He gazed aloft. He wondered when
The dreaded words would come... And then...
From somewhere high above the ground
There came a frightful crunching sound.
He heard the Giant mutter twice,

By gosh, that tasted very nice. Although
(and this in grumpy tones)
I wish there weren't so many bones.

By Christopher!
Jack cried.
By gum!

The Giant's eaten up my mum!
He smelled her out! She's in his belly!

I had a hunch that she was smelly!

Jack stood there gazing longingly
Upon the huge and golden tree.
He murmured softly,

Golly-Gosh,

I guess I'll have to take a wash
If I am going to climb this tree
Without the Giant smelling me.

In fact, a bath's my only hope ...

He rushed indoors and grabbed the soap.
He scrubbed his body everywhere.
He even washed and rinsed his hair.
He did his teeth, he blew his nose
And went out smelling like a rose.

Once more he climbed the mighty bean.
The Giant sat there, gross, obscene,
Muttering through his vicious teeth
(While Jack sat tensely just beneath),
Muttering loud

Fee fi fo fum,
Right now I can't smell anyone.

Jack waited till the Gian slept,
Then out along the boughs he crept
And gathered so much gold, I swear
He was an instant millionaire.

A bath
he said,
does seem to pay.
I'm going to have one every day.

Cinderella

I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
Just to keep the children happy.

Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
Departed for the Palace Ball,

While darling little Cinderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at her feet.

She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!'
The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
Appearing in a blaze of light,
She said, 'My dear, are you all right?'

'All right ?' cried Cindy. 'Can't you see
'I feel as rotten as can be!'
She beat her fist against the wall,
And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
There is a Disco at the Palace!
'The rest have gone and I am jalous!
'I want a dress! I want a coach!
'And earrings and a diamond brooch!
'And silver slippers, tow of those!
And lovely nylon panty-hose!
'Done up like that I'll guarantee
'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'

The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
She gave her wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all,
Cindy was at the Palace Ball

It made the Ugly Sisters wince
To see her dancing with the Prince.
She held him very tight and pressed
Herself against his manly chest.

The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
All he could do was gasp and gulp.

Then midnight struck. She shouted, 'Heck!'
'I've got to run to save my neck!'

The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'
The dress was ripped from head to toe.

She ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart,
He pressed it to his pounding heart,

'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
'I'll visit every house in town
'Until I've tracked the maiden down.'

Then rather carelessly, I fear,
He placed it on a crate of beer.
At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
And quickly flushed it down the loo.

Then in its place she calmly put
The slipper from her own left foot.
Ah-ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.

Next day, the Prince went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In every house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?

The shoe was long and very wide.
(A normal foot got lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)

Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, but all in vain.
Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'
But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!'
'So now you've got to marry me!'

The Prince went white from ear to ear
He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
'Oh no you don't! You made a vow !
'There's no way you can back out now !'

'Off with her head! the Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
'She's prettier without her head.'

Then up came Sister Number Two,
Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack —
Her head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.

Cinderella heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked her own head round the door.

'What's all the racket?' Cindy cried.
'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
My Prince ! She thought. He chops off heads!

How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?
The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'

Just then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
'Cindy!' she cried, 'come make a wish!'
'Wish anything and have no doubt
'That I will make it come about!

Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
'This time I shall be more wary.
'No more Princes, no more money.
'I have had my taste of honey.
'I'm wishing for a decent man.
'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'

Within a minute, Cinderella
Was married to a lovely feller,
A simple jam-maker by trade,
Who sold good home-made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

When little Snow-White's mother died,
The king, her father, up and cried,
'Oh, what a nuisance! What a life!
'Now I must find another wife!'
(It's never easy for a king
To find himself that sort of thing!)


He wrote to every magazine
And said, "I'm looking for a Queen.'
At least ten thousand girls replied
And begged to be the royal bride
The king said with a shifty smile,
'I'd like to give each one a trial.'


However, in the end he chose
A lady called Miss Maclahose,
Who brought along a curious toy
That seemed to give her endless joy --
A MAGIC TALKING LOOKING-GLASS.


Ask it something day or night,
It always got the answer right.
For instance, if you were to say,
'Oh, Mirror, what's for lunch today?'
The thing would answer in a trice,
'Today it's scrambled eggs and rice.'


Now every day, week in week out,
The spoiled and stupid Queen would shout,
'Oh Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?'

The mirror answered every time,
'Oh Madame, you're the Queen sublime.
'You are the only one to charm us.
'Queen, you are the cat's pyjamas.'


For ten whole years the silly Queen
repeated this absurd routine.
Then suddenly, one awful day,
She heard the Magic Mirror say,
'From now on, Queen, you're Number Two.
'Snow-White is prettier than you!'

The Queen went absolutely wild.
She yelled 'I'm going to scrag that child!'
'I'll cook her flaming goose! I'll skin 'er!
'I'll have her rotten guts for dinner!'

She called the Huntsman to her study.
She shouted at him, "Listen, buddy!"
'You drag that filthy girl outside,
'and see you take her for a ride!
'Thereafter slit her ribs apart
'And bring me back her bleeding heart!"

The Huntsman dragged the lovely child
Deep deep into the forest wild.
Fearing the worst, poor Snow-White spake.
She cried, 'Oh please give me a break!'
The knife was poised, the arm was strong,

She cried again, 'I've done no wrong!'

The Huntsman's heart began to flutter.
It melted like a pound of butter.
He murmured, 'Okay, beat it, kid,'

And you can bet your life she did.


Later the Huntsman made a stop
Within the local butcher's shop.
And there he bought, for safety's sake,
A bullock's heart and one nice steak.


'Oh Majesty! Oh Queen!' he cried,
'That rotten little girl has died!
'And to prove I didn't cheat,
'I've brought along these bits of meat.'

The Queen cried out 'Bravissimo!'
'I trust you killed her nice and slow.'
Then (this is the disgusting part)
The Queen sat down and ate the heart!
(I only hope she cooked it well.
Boiled heart can be as tough as hell.)


While all of this was going on,
Oh where, oh where had Snow-White gone?

She'd found it easy, being pretty,
To hitch a ride into the city,
And there she'd got a job, unpaid,
As general cook and parlour-maid,
With seven funny little men,
Each one not more than three foot ten,
Ex horse-race jockeys, all of them.

These Seven Dwarfs, though awfully nice,
Were guilty of one shocking vice --
They squandered all of their resources
At the race-track backing horses.
(When they hadn't backed a winner,
None of them got any dinner.)

One evening, Snow-White said, 'Look here,
'I think I've got a great idea.
'Just leave it all to me, okay?
'And no more gambling till I say.'


That very night, at eventide,
Young Snow-White hitched another ride,
And then, when it was very late,
She slipped in through the Palace gate.

The King was in his counting house
Counting out his money,
The Queen was in the parlour
Eating bread and honey,

The footmen and the servants slept
So no one saw her as she crept
On tip-toe through the mighty hall
And grabbed THE MIRROR off the wall.

As soon as had got it home,
She told the Senior Dwarf (or Gnome)
To ask it what he wished to know.
'Go on!' she shouted. 'Have a go!'

He said, 'Oh Mirror, please don't joke!
'Each one of us is stony broke!
'Which horse will win tomorrow's race,
'The Ascot Cup Steeplechase?'

The Mirror whispered sweet and low,
'The horse's name is Mistletoe.'
<p>The Dwarfs went absolutely daft,
They kissed young Snow-White fore and aft,
Then rushed away to raise some dough
With which to back old Mistletoe.
They pawned their watches, sold the car,
They borrowed money near and far,
(For much of it they had to thank
The manager of Barclays Bank.)
They went to Ascot and of course
For once they backed the winning horse.

Thereafter, every single day,
The Mirror made the bookies pay.
Each Dwarf and Snow-White got a share,
And each was soon a millionaire,

Which shows that gambling's not a sin
Provided that you always win.



1compare sounds: awful/waffle.

rhymes

died / cried life / wife king / thing 'zine / Queen replied / bride smile / trial
chose / 'hose toy / joy --GLASS night / right say / day trice / rice
out / shout wall / all time / sublime us / pyjamas Queen / routine day / say
two / you wild / child 'er / dinner study / buddy outside / ride apart / heart
child / wild spake / break strong / wrong flutter / butter kid / did stop / shop
sake // steak cried / died cheat / meat Bravissimo / slow part / heart well / hell
on / gone pretty / city paid / maid men / ten / (them) nice / vice resources / horses
winner / dinner here / idea okay / say tide / ride late / gate --house | parlour -- [4]
money / honey
slept / crept hall / wall home / Gnome know / go joke / broke race / Steeplechase
Mistletoe / low daft / aft dough / Mistletoe car / far thank / Bank course / horse
day / pay share / millionaire sin / win

Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf

As soon as Wolf began to feel
That he would like a decent meal,
He went and knocked on Grandma's door.
When Grandma opened it, she saw
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
And Wolfie said, 'May I come in?'

Poor Grandmamma was terrified,
'He's going to eat me up,' she cried.
And she was absolutely right.
He ate her up in one big bite.

But Grandmamma was small and tough,
and Wolfie wailed, 'That's not enough!'
'I haven't yet begun to feel
'That I have had a decent meal!'

He ran around the kitchen yelping,
I've got to have another helping!'
Then added with a frightful leer,
'I'm therefore going to wait right here
'Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood
'Comes home from walking in the wood.'

He quickly put on Grandma's clothes.
(Of course he hadn't eaten those.)
He dressed himself in coat and hat
He put on shoes and after that
He even brushed and curled his hair,
Then sat himself in Grandma's chair.

In came the little girl in red.
She stopped. She stared. And then she said,

'What great big ears you have, Grandma.'
'All the better to hear you with,' the Wolf replied.
'What great big eyes you have, Grandma,' said Little Red Riding Hood.
'All the better to see you with,' the Wolf replied.

He sat there watching her and smiled.
He thought, I'm going o eat this child.
Compared with her old Grandmamma
She's going to taste like caviar.

Then Little Red Riding Hood said, 'But Grandma,
what a lovely big furry coat you have on.'
'That's wrong!' cried Wolf. 'Have you forgot
'To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?
'Ah well, no matter what you say,
'I'm going to eat you anyway.'

The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.
She whips a pistol from her knickers.
She aims it at the creature's head
And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.

A few weeks later, in the wood,
I came across Miss Riding Hood.
But what a change! No cloak of red,
No silly hood upon her head.
She said, 'Hello, and do please note
'My lovely furry WOLFSKIN COAT.'

Goldilocks

This famous wicked little tale
Should never have been put on sale.
It is a mystery to me
Why loving parents cannot see
That this is actually a book
About a brazen little crook.

Had I the chance I wouldn't fail
To clap young Goldilocks in jail.
Now just imagine how you'd feel
If you had cooked a lovely meal,

Delicious porridge, steaming hot,
Fresh coffee in the coffee-pot,
With maybe toast and marmalade,
The table beautifully laid,
One place for you and one for dad,
Another for your little lad.

Then dad cries,'Golly-gosh! Gee-whizz!
'Oh cripes! How hot this porridge is!
'Let's take a walk along the street
'Until it's cool enough to eat.'

He adds, 'An early morning stroll
'Is good for people on the whole.
'It makes your appetite improve
'It also helps your bowels to move.'

No proper wife would dare to question
Such a sensible suggestion,
Above all not at breakfast-time
When men are seldom at their prime.

No sooner are you down the road
Than Goldilocks, that little toad,
That nosey thieving little louse,
Comes sneaking in your empty house.

She looks around. She quickly notes
Three bowls brimful of porridge oats.
And while still standing on her feet,
She grabs a spoon and starts to eat.

I say again, how would you feel
If you had made this lovely meal
And some delinquent little tot
Broke in and gobbled up the lot?

But wait! That's not the worst of it!
Now comes the most distressing bit.
You are of course a houseproud wife,
And all your happy married life
You have collected lovely things
Like gilded cherubs wearing wings,
And furniture by Chippendale
Bought at some famous auction sale.

But your most special valued treasure,
The piece that gives you endless pleasure
Is one small children's dining-chair,
Elizabethan, very rare.
It is in fact your joy and pride,
Passed down to you on grandma's side.

But Goldilocks, like many freaks,
Does not appreciate antiques.
She doesn't care, she doesn't mind,
And now she plonks her fat behind
Upon this dainty precious chair,
And crunch! It busts beyond repair.

A nice girl would at once exclaim,
'Oh dear! Oh heavens! What a shame!'

Not Goldie. She begins to swear.
She bellows,'What a lousy chair!'
And uses one disgusting word
That luckily you've never heard.
(I dare not write it, even hint it.
Nobody would ever print it.)</p>


You'd think by now this little skunk
Would have the sense to do a bunk.
But no. I very much regret
She hasn't nearly finished yet.

Deciding she would like a rest,
She says, 'Let's see which bed is best.'
Upstairs she goes and tries all three.
(Here conies the next catastrophe.)

Most educated people choose
To rid themselves of socks and shoes
Before they clamber into bed.
But Goldie didn't give a shred.

Her filthy shoes were thick with grime,
And mud and mush and slush and slime.
Worse still, upon the heel of one
Was something that a dog had done.

I say once more, what would you think
If all this horrid dirt and stink
Was smeared upon your eiderdown
By this revolting little clown?
(The famous story has no clues
To show the girl removed her shoes.)

Oh, what a tale of crime on crime!
Let's check it for a second time.

Crime One, the prosecution's case:
She breaks and enters someone's place.

Crime Two, the prosecutor notes:
She steals a bowl of porridge oats.

Crime Three: She breaks a precious chair
Belonging to the Baby Bear.

Crime Four: She smears each spotless sheet
With filthy messes from her feet.

A judge would say without a blink,
'Ten years hard labour in the clink!'

But in the book, as you will see,
The little beast gets off scot-free,
While tiny children near and far
Shout,'Goody-good! Hooray! Hurrah!'
'Poor darling Goldilocks!' they say,
'Thank goodness that she got away!'

Myself, I think I'd rather send
Young Goldie to a sticky end.

'Oh daddy!' cried the Baby Bear,
'My porridge gone! It isn't fair!'
'Then go upstairs,' the Big Bear said,
'Your porridge is upon the bed.
'But as it's inside mademoiselle,
'You'll have to eat her up as well.'

The Three Little Pigs

The animal I really dig
Above all others is the pig
Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever,
Pigs are courteous. However,
Now and then, to break this rule,
One meets a pig who is a fool.

What, for example, would you say
If strolling through the woods one day,
Right there in front of you you saw
A pg who'd built his house of STRAW?
The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,
And said, 'that pig has had his chips.'

'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
'No, no by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'

The little pig began to pray,
But Wolfie blew his house away,
He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham!
'Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!'
And though he ate the pig quite fast,
he carefully kept the tail till last.

Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated.
Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted
Another little house for pigs,
And this one had been built of TWIGS!

'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'

The Wolf said 'Okay, here we go!'
He then began to blow and blow,
The little pig began to squeal.
He cried, "Oh Wolf, you've had one meal!
Why can't we talk and make a deal?'


The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!'
And soon the pig was in his belly.
'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried,
'But still I am not satisfied!
'I know full well my tummy's bulging
'But oh, how I adore indulging.'

So creeping quietly as a mouse,
The Wolf approached another house,
A house which also had inside
A little piggy trying to hide.

But this one, Piggy Number Three,
Was bright and brainy as could be.
No straw for him, no twigs or sticks.
This pig had built his house of BRICKS.

'You'll not get me' the Piggy cried.
'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied.
'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff,
'And I don't think you've got enough.'

Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew.
The house stayed up as good as new.
'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said,
'I'll have to blow it up instead.
'I'll come back in the dead of night
'And blow it up with dynamite!'

Pig cried, 'You brute! I might have known!'
Then, picking up the telephone,
He dialed as quickly as he could
The number of Red Riding Hood.

'Hello,' she said. 'Who's speaking? Who?
'Oh, hello Piggy, how d'you do?'
Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood!
'Oh help me, please! Do you think you could?'

'I'll try, of course,' Miss Hood replied.
'What's on your mind?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried,
'I know you've dealt with wolves before,
'And now I've got one at my door.

'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet,
'That's something really up my street.
'I've just begun to wash my hair.
'But when it's dry, I'll be right there.'

A short while later, through the wood,
Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood.
The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze
And yellowish, like mayonnaise,
His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,
And spit was dripping from his jaw.

Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers.
She draws the pistol from her knickers,
Once more, she his the vital spot.
And kills him with a single shot.
Pig, peeping through the window, stood
And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Robin Hood!'

Ah Piglet, you must never trust
Young ladies from the upper crust.
For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes,
Not only has two wolfskin coats,
But when she goes from place to place,
She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE.

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